Romantic movies end the same way: a white dress, flowers, happy bride and groom. But what happens after the wedding? What is marriage all about? And how is it to live happily ever after? Check up the thoughts of a woman about the marriage life. She has already been married 12 years.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
‘I have never understood the hype around ‘seducing a rich man’ or ‘I want to get married’. My life goals were huge, probably as many of us at 15-17; we think that a whole life is ahead.
My dreams did not come true: sports injury put an end to my career, my Olympic gold. I met my future husband, being a student. At the same time, I never thought about how long I was destined to live in a marriage. I realized that life can change at any moment. As today you are a famous athlete, a champion and a winner, and the day after you get injured, and the champion is already someone else.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
The coach always told me: ‘In order to win, you have to be above the others. There are no such words as: ‘It is impossible’, ‘I cannot’. Get up and do it. Do what you can at the moment, and do the maximum’.
The habit of thinking like a champion was firmly slammed in my outlook. This can be compared with the inner critic. The life of my family goes under his strict guidance. We have all the same as everyone else does: love, romance, passion, suffering, marriage problems and marriage crisis. There were times of getting to know each other in life, periods of disagreement, misunderstanding, and resentment. We wanted to get divorced and kill each other.
And here I am, married for 12 years and ready to share my 12 findings of this interesting process.
1. Passion passes.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
Yes, love goes away. It is that love, which is called ‘love relationship’ in society. The love with the crazy emotions, suffering, tears, with spiritual pain and the inability to think of anyone other than the object of this ‘love’.
The relationship should be good. No tantrums, the psychological attacks, emotional swings, adrenaline injections after unanswered message, without the broken dishes and ‘going to my mom’s place’, without anguish and sleepless nights after a scandal.
The relationship should be stable. This does not mean boring. This means that you are assured that your spouse does not make an unexpected ‘surprise’ when you are not ready for it.
The relationship should be easy. When you go home and you know that everything is okay, you’re not going to meet an aggressive drunken husband, and do not get punched in the face.
2. Married life is not one big holiday.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
There is no ‘happily ever after’ without a break for lunch and weekends. There are diseases, malaise, fatigue, irritation, anger, and resentment. There are breakdowns, abuse, troubles, and difficulties. The only question is how long the couple is prepared to get stuck in these situations.
3. The spouses really need to have the same social level.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
Cinderella and the Prince are nothing more than a fairy tale. Romantic nonsense that the girls love since their childhood. And unequal marriages often end with the divorce. Love ‘pheromones’ can push people towards each other.
But when love passes, all the differences in upbringing, mentality, respect for life, for money, work and children come out. Tales that are shown in the movies are not viable, and the attempts to make them come true, end in failure.
4. The couple must develop together.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
You cannot rest on the coach. If a husband and wife do not develop life in general – the result is sad: the one, who prevents growing, is thrown away. Sooner or later. My wife is stuck in pots, diapers, children, as well as a husband in drinking beer at the TV, – it is the ballast to be dropped. No options.
Here is another conclusion: it is impossible to forbid your spouse to develop. No matter what. Dancing, guitar, snowboarding, chess, 101 ways to cook chicken – any activity where a person wants to achieve results. An optimal variant is to share the interests of the spouse or not to interfere.
5. Everyone should be understood.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
On a deeper level. You can be irritated with some habits, can disagree with some of the manifestations of his nature. One can have different views on some issues and on the child-rearing process. But on a deeper level, a person must be understood. It is necessary to allow a man to be who he is. You can, certainly, try to change him, but a person may not like it.
6. A wife should not completely dissolve in her husband and children.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
At first, I devote time to myself, then – husband and child. The woman often betrays her ‘I’ for the sake of man. She becomes boring and unneeded for him very soon. You cannot completely dissolve in the family and cannot live only according to the wishes of your husband, you cannot just think about children. ‘Home mom’ is not interesting to anyone. The interesting person next to you makes you want to study, is the one you would like to talk to.
7. A husband should be needed and at the same time free.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
In recent years, I live by this principle. I am not afraid that my husband might leave, because he, like any person, has the right to have a better life for himself. Maybe without me. This is normal. Just as I have a right to have a better life for myself. Maybe without him. Yes, the old life will be broken, but the disaster will not happen. You cannot force a person to be with you. Therefore, you need time to get rid of ‘the rose-colored glasses’, to forget the phrase ‘Let’s live together forever and die in one day’. I know that at any time a person can leave, and I do not have illusions on this point.
8. Each may have his own interests and desires.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
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Everyone should have the personal space and time. Everyone should have his finances. It is an axiom of relations. It may be one of the most important pieces of marriage advice. So it must be so, and it is not discussed. No need to drag your husband to shopping, you do not necessarily need to go on fishing.
I, for example, spend my personal time for training, yoga, and jogging. One can go to the lake to sit and look at the water thinking. It may also be the time to read books, to do other things. The husband can have a bath, meet with friends, and go fishing for a few days. No one should watch another. Everybody is happy, everything is well.
Everyone should have his finances. Without the right to demand a report on their use. It is humiliating to ask money for napkins, as well as for cigarettes.
9. An animal should live in the house.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
And it should preferably be a warm-blooded creature. Cat, dog, hamster – one who can cuddle and touch. At different times we had cats, dogs, and sometimes both of them simultaneously. And now the two dogs and rat sphinx live with us.
10. The people with a similar temperament have a long-lasting marriage.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
When one person is super active, and another one is super lazy, then this marriage is hardly destined to be a long-lasting one. You can smooth out some differences in temperament; it is possible to adjust to the speed and nature of the life of your partner. But if the speed is polar, then your ‘Ferrari’ will not wait for his old ‘Chevrolet’ for a long time.
11. Passionate sex is not the main thing in a marriage.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
After 12 years of marriage, it is impossible to have crazy sex and romance, as before, even after 3 years, all the emotions go down to a calmer level. In order to maintain a high level of desire of a partner after many years spent side by side, you both need to have very strong emotions, which in principle cannot last for a long time. However, it may happen that one of the spouses suffer from a love addiction. Then he, yes, may want passion and fire for a very long time. In such a case the other spouse lives with him (her) because of the convenience, the reluctance to change anything.
You need to have intimacy in marriage. But usually in the normal married couple, sex relationship fades into the background, and really is not so important in marriage.
12. Decisions shall be taken together.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
But a woman does not need to dive into the masculine business. Small, everyday activities do not require approval. But some major purchases, crucial decisions have to be discussed – this is the right communication in marriage. And all the decisions are made by two. No phrases like ‘I’ve decided so, therefore it will be so’.
‘How to raise a child’, ‘where to go on vacation’, ‘can we get a dog’, ‘what kind of car to buy’ – these issues are discussed. But interfering in the business of your husband is not desirable. Maximum – you can express your opinion if you are asked.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after 12 years of marriage
And what is the most important for the long-term marriage? It is the desire to compromise, listen and hear each other, leaving the opportunity to be alone, do not merge with each other, like Siamese twins, and leave another person and yourself some space for maneuver.
In general, family life is a combination of a love relationship, trust, mutual tolerance, and willpower. The order of all the above changes every few years.
These marriage tips may help you to look at life after the wedding without your fairy-tale dreams. Every goal needs a hard work to do. The same is with the healthy relationships. Work for it and you’ll get it!
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